First blog, about me.
I am writing this to give you some broad idea of the truth about myself. Hope it can help me to be the person that I like one day.
First things first, I look down on everything, everyone, but deep inside I know that I am not better than them. I subconsciously talk very sarcastically just to devalue ppl's effort and their interests, even themselves, just so I can feel that I am not inferior to them- but I hate myself more after I realise what a jerk I am before I go to bed every day.
I am a very insecure person. Whenever I have a crush on someone, I would be very anxious if they talk to other people, and I always worry that the person will fall in love with them. Also, I constantly think about what the person I like is thinking or doing. This is a very unhealthy mindset that I have, sometimes I even can't focus on anything cuz I keep thinking about it. Besides, I would be really clingy to the person that I wanna share and do everything together with them, ignoring whether the person is genuinely interested in the thing I invite them to do.
I am not good at observing my surroundings. The most obvious example- if you ask me how many trees are in front of my workplace, I won't know. When I am going to a shopping mall, I only follow what I pinned in GPS, never observe the road to see if there is a nearer parkade that I could use rather than the default one.
I am not sincere. 90% of the time I give my compliments/criticisms to something only cuz the interlocutors may like me more if I agree with them that something is good or bad. Then later I might forget what I said, give a contradictory view of my earlier statement, which makes people think I am a hypocrite.
Lack of curiosity. There are not many things that can interest me, I am too lazy to explore any new topics. This makes me an extremely bland person. I usually have no common topic with people to chat with, when I am staying with someone there will always be awkward silence going on.
Too afraid to do things, always backing up. I wanted to learn guitar and music, go to the gym, make some cool content on the internet... But I started none of them lmao. It is not only because of procrastination, but also I fear that I might give up in the middle. Lack of confidence also plays a big role here.
These are just some very general points I picked. There are a lot more. Eventually, I wish that I could be a cool person who's charismatic, confident, and talented. I am far away from that right now, and I don't think I can be this person anytime soon, but I have already shown some progress compared to me a few years ago. It's been a long journey kek.
Sorry I wrote this a little messily and not linear, it is meant to reflect first thoughts. ALSO CANT HELP THAT I AM A BAD WRITER>:(